Below is the email that I sent to the author of a book that I had hoped would solve all of my dating woes. It did offer some valuable insight, but is another (albeit charming) illustration of the Christian living - Modern living values gap.* As it applies to dating, I've read some Christian publications that advocate "just saying no," without addressing the abnormality of it.
Even taking a bunch of steps back from S-E-X, I don't know that there's any manual out there that can make sense of merging online dating and real-life dating. More specifically, we didn't previously have the opportunity to know people on an intimate [emotional] <-- here think TMI/personal questions/best friendsies confessions, not The Notebook love-type of intimate--before we had to spend time with the physically. And if you haven't experienced it, count yourself fortunate... It's Twilight Zone-weird. I've been on several dates since D-day, but there have been very few second dates because I haven't figured out how to low-crawl out to my car when I realize I'm not interested.
The book in question is SO well-written and relatable, but I was left wanting. And I get super fired-up when I'm prompted to be excited about the opportunity to embrace promiscuity. Again, not a knock on the author's viewpoint, only an example of our society's painfully conflicted vision of sexual liberation for women. AND, an annoying realization that the in between is ridiculous. My intention is not to judge other women for their "policy," but rather to STRESS that one shouldn't be ashamed or be apologetic for having tighter security than Camp Delta.**
The author of the book responded quite positively, indicating she may be inclined to offer me some advice after all***. The product in question:
Hey girrrl,
I just finished Modern Dating--like literally two minutes ago and needed to convey my knee-jerk reaction... It's that strong!!
A. Thank YOU! I have been under-profiling and underselling myself and choosing pictures that scream goofball AND sending too-long communication (infrequently, but still!). Mod Dating gave me some helpful hints for the future. Additionally, your writing style is engaging, succinct (but still witty and wordy enough to paint you as the best friend who could offer a "talking to" about dating habits and preconceived notions w/respect to online dating. In a word, it's charming. And helpful (but that's now 2). But truly, it was a pleasure to read!
B. Unfortunately, I have three major, MAJOR complaints (actually they're more like special circumstances that ended up being lost opportunities bc they were not really addressed in the text). that i must share with you with hope that you might address them-- because I valued your advice on so many of the other topics-- either via email/blog/article. Here are my special considerations:
1. Douchebags in sheep's clothing...
As kind as I've tried to be, the greatest pitfall for me and online dating has been men being pushy. Like PUSHY. Online: They want my phone number because it's "easier" to text that way. I don't want to give a stranger my phone number! I don't want him to have my phone number/email/last name/place of work until I feel satisfied that he's not going to blow up my phone with tons of messages/cyber-stalk/real-life stalk me. I'm cautious, but I don't think I'm paranoid. I've given in on that a few times bc a guy was super hot or seemed cool and then he would turn out to be a total db/weirdo. I have a story on that-- it's a real thing!
So what I'd really hoped to see was advice on how to keep someone interested without having to compromise on what and when to reveal personal information. I don't want to be picked up on the first date--i don't give strangers my address because it's not their business where I live! Unfortunately, every guy that has tried to insist has been offended when he offers and I decline, and ever time I've compromised, I've regretted it.
2. Frogs. The next issue ALWAYS arises on the first date. ALWAYS, girrrl. You talked a lot about first dates and how they can end up being nearly unbearable... So I know you know, but at the end of that chapter, you offered a way to rope a guy into kissing me. That's precisely the opposite advice I needed!! It's actually the reason I haven't had a date in 6+ months. I don't kiss on the first date--unless I want to, and I generally don't. According to PubMed Health "most people are infected" with the Herpes Simplex virus by the time they are 20. I'm pushing 30 and have kissed a lot of frogs-- so I'm either asymptomatic or haven't been exposed. In any case, I don't think that me accepting a meal or a drink obligates me to expose myself to that risk until I've spent enough time to weigh it against whether or not I think this frog will turn into a prince. Aside from that, At the risk of sounding Pretty Woman, I think kissing someone is incredibly intimate, and I hate that dudes think that they can kiss me because they drove a long way/paid for a movie/whatever.
3. Im GTL, but not DTF. My abstinence is a choice, and while it is tied to my faith, I'm reasonably certain I'd be the same (i always joke that some wires got crossed at the lady parts factory and my vagina was directly connected to my heart by mistake!) without the religious ties. You mentioned so many times that we are lucky to be able to live in a society where we can have sex with many partners as we choose with little stigma. For me, "choice" is the operative word. I can choose to go home with a stranger, wait six months, til marriage, or essentially until I feel comfortable. But the the content of the field guide appears to be based in the word "many."
Being a prude doesn't make me less less single or less modern, it makes me exactly as modern as someone who is a little more promiscuous than she "should" be in this day in age... Not ostracized, but not quite accepted anymore/yet. Strangely, being prudish doesn't come with a manual, which is why I was so pumped to see a real modern guide to dating, from a real girl who 'gets it.' Despite the image that the term "prudish woman" will typically illicit (for me, it's always Whistler's Mother), I am still youngish, attractive to some, and a great catch (if I may say so myself!). But there really seemed to be an implication that if I'm not having sex with a guy that I've been out with several times, I'm either not modern, or am not dating correctly. Im super convicted about my lifestyle, but tons of single girls aren't. It's not about disproving/shunning mom's cow and milk advice, but understanding that we don't have to sell either unless we see a customer we want! I LOVED what you said about the double standard/irony about being chastised for sleeping with someone on a first date (2=tango). But frankly, it pisses me off a little that before, The Man said we weren't "supposed" to like sex, but now The Man says we can... We can even SEEK it before marriage-- as long as we lady-brains are willing to accept that now Man expects it from us as a caveat to his permission. That sounds MEGA man-hater, but I swear I'm not a man-hater, I just hate The Man!
So, hopefully I've adequately expressed my disappointment in the presence of an entire chapter on Sex, but a near-tangible absence of a single paragraph on how to say "no, thank you." OR when the right time to have the "i like you a lot, but i see something wrong... with a little bump 'n grind, baby." The end.
C. If you made it this far, here's an extra thank you, and a bonus apology for writing my own short novel here! Oh, and a congratulations on a published book with YOUR name listed as the author! That's gotta be a big deal!
Sincerely,
Stef Ha
*I think it's important to emphasize that the "gap" I'm trying to illustrate isn't an image of high & mighty Christians with all these fancy-pants values on a snowcapped mountain on the left and the conscienceless savages of modern America across a chasm on a smoggy hilltop with a Hollywood sign on the right. To me it's about the gap between the values (and standards) outlined in the Word versus the values (and laws) that exist in a society which offers religious choice/freedom from religious persecution.
**Also known as Guantanamo Bay
***I may ask permission to post her quoted response and future advice, but at this time I'll opt to just nonchalantly refer to the fact that she did write back (in an effort to minimize my creeper-level and mask my excitement).
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