Introducing.... "Customer Retorts," a Rip-off that Seems Different Enough to Avoid Litigation

The Customer Service Mantra. “Under-promise & Over-deliver” (UPOD) is a super common and totally misleading axiom in retail.  Just in case you haven’t heard it before, it basically means that if a customer asks for something (of if there’s something extra you think you may be able to do for them), it’s better to temper their hope with either uncertainty or apathy, preferably both. That way, you can completely shock them with acceptable (or occasionally exceptional) service; basically creating a false sense of satisfaction by making the customer begin to question whether their reasonable request is actually reasonable.

Managing Expectations, a History. I was introduced to UPOD in my appliance sales days at a big box home improvement store by a Zone Manager who had worked his way up the store’s ladder since his late teens and who repeatedly cheated on his former-cashier girlfriend with other, newer cashiers (she had left the company a few months before my arrival after their poorly-kept secret was discovered by upper-middle management and one of them had to transfer or quit). During my employment, she was on maternity leave about to pop out his Royal Baby. Their relationship eventually ended—I think—with a cashier (I’m unsure of whether they really called it quits, not whether a cashier was involved). But in its prime, it was a tumultuous, confusing cycle that resulted in a high turnover rate at my store and frequent uncomfortably private [public] Facebook battles.  

The Hypothesis. Their relationshit[i] and his poorly-disguised, insatiable sexual appetite for cash handlers should have been a big red[ii] indicator that he should not be issuing any advice on building rapport. But his sales were really impressive! In fact, I would compete with him (without his knowledge, to better my chances of victory) monthly in sales, and I frequently lost. Even though he was at the store for more hours than me weekly, he managed to sell a lot while splitting his time four ways; managing two other departments and “supervising” the front end.[iii] I haven’t read or performed any study to support the claim I’m about to make, but… Appliance purchases are [in my experience] typically “approved” by the lady, but are purchased as a couple—which means that Zone almost always immediately lost his home field advantage of flirtation and general cockiness that helped him balance so many tills up front. When I combine that with the fact that he consistently stressed UPOD as his top sales tip and leadership advice, I can conclude with little basis and lots of conviction that UPOD and customer satisfaction (as illustrated by sales) are correlated.

I actually think that the psychology of UPOD is intuitive, if not sound. Everyone likes to feel like they’re getting a deal or special treatment. Under-promising makes that objective much more attainable. The reason I have such disdain for “under-promise & over-deliver,” is that it requires the promissor to intentionally (and consistently) understate his or her ability to provide good service or a good product. It also relies on the shaky premise that the customer is already sold on whatever you’re selling. For instance, a toilet bowl cleaner whose label reads “Better than not cleaning your toilet at all…probably,” may not be in the company’s best interest if it sits next to a similarly priced product that it’s “Guaranteed to be better than not cleaning your toilet at all. Bran A hopes that customers will choose it from among it’s competition and be utterly shocked every time they use it, calling their friends in earnest amazement, “Cindy, you are not going to believe this… It did it again!!”[iv],[v] building brand loyalty by always blowing away[vi] their customers’ low expectations.

I Just Want to Improve Sales for Firms by Providing Unsolicited Feedback & Product/Service Improvement Ideas that I Have a Personal Stake In. I think about the quality of products and service delivery All. The. Time. I can’t explain it, really, and I've never cared to control it. I think about it when I watch commercials. When I see Wal*Mart employees interacting with one another. Here’s the part where it gets Freaky Friday…. Maybe it’s because I’m so affected by it, or Big G is surely trying to teach me self-control (the latter seems pretty evident—He’s also being very patient, I should add!), but it seems like I attract questionable service everywhere I go and I can never keep my mouth shut about it.[vii]

In an effort to pretend that I’m not only[viii] difficult, immature, and complain-y, I'll be contributing to the free market via a recurring feature of my freshly coiffed blog tentatively called “Consumer Retorts.” The faux-jective is to showcase real companies’ Promise-to-Delivery ratios—what happens when a purchase you made goes awry? It’s about to get real up in here.

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[i] An unflattering, but often accurate term to describe star-crossed lovers

[ii] Think pirate, not chewing gum

[iii] Not intended to be a euphemism

[iv] The Works is a $1.98-ish [probably carcinogenic] toilet cleaner that I feel privileged to have been introduced to.

[v] I have no research that verifies or excludes The Works as carcinogenic or harmful. But it seems like common sense that any cleaner that is both effective and cheap is hazardous to your health. Plus, I saw the second half of Erin Brokovich on television a few years back.

[vi] This is such a sick reference when using toilets as an example, no?

[vii] Friends that have shared a meal at a restaurant or been shopping with me once will testify that both of these claims are factual.

[viii] I learned from my Zone Manager that if you state them outright with gusto, some folks will actually accept your douchebag tendencies as viable, even marketable skills.