Consumer Retorts: Creeper 911

The following is what happens when an online dating website has the misfortune providing a free-text section of their exit survey. Also, I'd also like to solicit ideas for disguises, as I'll be going into deep cover until I move. 

The situation/product in question:

I have one critical concern that I would appreciate a response to, and two points of critique:

Background: I started using POF because I live in a remote-ish area, and it appears that neither eHarm, ChrisMingle, nor Match has the volume of users needed to produce a good selection of matches to convince me to pay for/continue their service. I was initially pleased because POF had more potential dates than a most of the aforementioned sites, and I didn't have to pay for my dismay with the remaining members. This time 'round, I used the site for one week, and had one face-to-face meet with a member. 

1. I appreciate that POF allows users to flag inappropriate use, and I understand that using a user-report versus POF-review system keeps the site no/lost cost for me and reduces costs for you, too. But, it results in a major reduction of actual safety. I am very cautious when using online dating sites because the community I live in is so small, it isn't uncommon to actually see users in-person. Today, I received a message from a user that said, "I think I've seen you in the gym sexxy"--and that's all he wrote. 

Social sites are full of Creepers, and I understand that POF cannot possibly detect them all. That said, this guy's profile is BARE, he thinks 'sexy' has more than one x, and the only picture he has posted is a photo of a military vehicle. I flagged his profile, but he should have been deleted before I flagged him. I used clear, recent photos AND I frequent two gyms, so I'm going to be looking over my shoulder for this Creeper with very little description of him. I realize that he could have joined with no pictures or used a fake photo, but Match and eHarm both have photo approval systems in place. One site requires an administrator to actually approve uploaded photos (eHarm, I think), and the other has an automated system. Either way, POF is behind the Stranger-Danger power curve. 

My proposed solution-ideas are: 

*Require a minimum number of characters for free text profile fields that flags a certain number or combo of repeated letters and/or special characters. 

*Require paid membership for people that don't upload a pic. 

*Have some sort of POF screening/approval process for photos. (Actually, I flagged a user whose FOR REAL main photo was COMPLETELY nude-- head to knees. Full moon with wiener-view. DISGUSTING. His other 3 or 4 pics were also full moon, buck naked. He should never have made it to print.)

*Offer a screening option. I would PAY for a dating site that allowed me to choose the specific users who can send me messages as opposed to blocking users (except that I anticipate receiving it as a freebie--see clause below!). 

POF could easily incorporate it, I think. Part 1 would list it as a as a preference during account establishment, the way Facebook has the "Friends only," "Friends of Friends," or "Anyone" option for who can view your page. That way people that don't want to "pick users" are served. For Part 2, discriminating users like me will review profiles and grant access to users by some means similar to the "Meet Me" that already exists (see note below re: "Meet Me"). I haven't heard of any dating site that currently offers this innovation. An added perk for POF is that the feature could be used to entice use by both types of customers (for ex. For all users, POF could send notification emails when a discriminating user has "selected" them, and could send discriminating users notifications like, "since you selected, 'this dude,' we think you should review 'this/these dude(s)'.") I don't mind that everyone can see my profile (although if i could limit the displayed info, I'd love that, too!), but it would be solid gold to choose which guys who could message me. 

I think the idea for this anti-Creeper function would differentiate POF in a major way-- in exchange for this nugget of genius, I'd like a free until-next-marriage membership upon its implementation. 

2. I wish the "Meet Me" option on the site also displayed at least one of the free text fields. 

3. The exit survey is quick, but its results data are probably very misleading for POF market research/site improvement. For example, "N/A" isn't even an available response. So, in question one, you don't know if I'm selecting "None of the Above" because I've never heard of OKCupid, never used OKCupid, or don't agree with the statement with respect to OKCupid. (AND, none of the statements are actually above the responses, but that's a pet-peeve). From question two forward, you have no way of knowing why I'm any response for the same reasons listed [actually] above. I realized that people's perception of sites ("it's for old/young people"/worth the money) is valuable. But if you INCLUDE a question that establishes individuals' level of familiarity with the selected products, the response values are multiplied, I think. WITHOUT it, all of the questions are essentially meaningless because there isn't a clear point of reference. 

I do accept that I'll probably remain single forever because I am nerdy and be neurotic and/or ultimately un-partnerable. I would just like to continue to reject that fate in a safe, convenient environment. I hope this feedback is useful, and I really appreciate your time and consideration. 

Consumer Retorts: A Book on Modern Dating

Below is the email that I sent to the author of a book that I had hoped would solve all of my dating woes. It did offer some valuable insight, but is another (albeit charming) illustration of the Christian living - Modern living values gap.* As it applies to dating, I've read some Christian publications that advocate "just saying no," without addressing the abnormality of it.

Even taking a bunch of steps back from S-E-X, I don't know that there's any manual out there that can make sense of merging online dating and real-life dating. More specifically, we didn't previously have the opportunity to know people on an intimate [emotional] <-- here think TMI/personal questions/best friendsies confessions, not The Notebook love-type of intimate--before we had to spend time with the physically. And if you haven't experienced it, count yourself fortunate... It's Twilight Zone-weird. I've been on several dates since D-day, but there have been very few second dates because I haven't figured out how to low-crawl out to my car when I realize I'm not interested.

The book in question is SO well-written and relatable, but I was left wanting. And I get super fired-up when I'm prompted to be excited about the opportunity to embrace promiscuity. Again, not a knock on the author's viewpoint, only an example of our society's painfully conflicted vision of sexual liberation for women. AND, an annoying realization that the in between is ridiculous. My intention is not to judge other women for their "policy," but rather to STRESS that one shouldn't be ashamed or be apologetic for having tighter security than Camp Delta.**

The author of the book responded quite positively, indicating she may be inclined to offer me some advice after all***. The product in question:

Hey girrrl,

I just finished Modern Dating--like literally two minutes ago and needed to convey my knee-jerk reaction... It's that strong!!

A. Thank YOU! I have been under-profiling and underselling myself and choosing pictures that scream goofball AND sending too-long communication (infrequently, but still!). Mod Dating gave me some helpful hints for the future. Additionally, your writing style is engaging, succinct (but still witty and wordy enough to paint you as the best friend who could offer a "talking to" about dating habits and preconceived notions w/respect to online dating. In a word, it's charming. And helpful (but that's now 2). But truly, it was a pleasure to read!

B. Unfortunately, I have three major, MAJOR complaints (actually they're more like special circumstances that ended up being lost opportunities bc they were not really addressed in the text). that i must share with you with hope that  you might address them-- because I valued your advice on so many of the other topics-- either via email/blog/article. Here are my special considerations:

1. Douchebags in sheep's clothing...
As kind as I've tried to be, the greatest pitfall for me and online dating has been men being pushy. Like PUSHY. Online: They want my phone number because it's "easier" to text that way. I don't want to give a stranger my phone number! I don't want him to have my phone number/email/last name/place of work until I feel satisfied that he's not going to blow up my phone with tons of messages/cyber-stalk/real-life stalk me. I'm cautious, but I don't think I'm paranoid. I've given in on that a few times bc a guy was super hot or seemed cool and then he would turn out to be a total db/weirdo. I have a story on that-- it's a real thing! 

So what I'd really hoped to see was advice on how to keep someone interested without having to compromise on what and when to reveal personal information. I don't want to be picked up on the first date--i don't give strangers my address because it's not their business where I live! Unfortunately, every guy that has tried to insist has been offended when he offers and I decline, and ever time I've compromised, I've regretted it. 

2. Frogs. The next issue ALWAYS arises on the first date. ALWAYS, girrrl. You talked a lot about first dates and how they can end up being nearly unbearable... So I know you know, but at the end of that chapter, you offered a way to rope a guy into kissing me. That's precisely the opposite advice I needed!! It's actually the reason I haven't had a date in 6+ months. I don't kiss on the first date--unless I want to, and I generally don't. According to PubMed Health "most people are infected" with the Herpes Simplex virus by the time they are 20. I'm pushing 30 and have kissed a lot of frogs-- so I'm either asymptomatic or haven't been exposed. In any case, I don't think that me accepting a meal or a drink obligates me to expose myself to that risk until I've spent enough time to weigh it against whether or not I think this frog will turn into a prince. Aside from that, At the risk of sounding Pretty Woman, I think kissing someone is incredibly intimate, and I hate that dudes think that they can kiss me because they drove a long way/paid for a movie/whatever. 

3. Im GTL, but not DTF. My abstinence is a choice, and while it is tied to my faith, I'm reasonably certain I'd be the same (i always joke that some wires got crossed at the lady parts factory and my vagina was directly connected to my heart by mistake!) without the religious ties. You mentioned so many times that we are lucky to be able to live in a society where we can have sex with many partners as we choose with little stigma. For me, "choice" is the operative word. I can choose to go home with a stranger, wait six months, til marriage, or essentially until I feel comfortable. But the the content of the field guide appears to be based in the word "many."

Being a prude doesn't make me less less single or less modern, it makes me exactly as modern as someone who is a little more promiscuous than she "should" be in this day in age... Not ostracized, but not quite accepted anymore/yet. Strangely, being prudish doesn't come with a manual, which is why I was so pumped to see a real modern guide to dating, from a real girl who 'gets it.' Despite the image that the term "prudish woman" will typically illicit (for me, it's always Whistler's Mother), I am still youngish, attractive to some, and a great catch (if I may say so myself!). But there really seemed to be an implication that if I'm not having sex with a guy that I've been out with several times, I'm either not modern, or am not dating correctly. Im super convicted about my lifestyle, but tons of single girls aren't. It's not about disproving/shunning mom's cow and milk advice, but understanding that we don't have to sell either unless we see a customer we want! I LOVED what you said about the double standard/irony about being chastised for sleeping with someone on a first date (2=tango). But frankly, it pisses me off a little that before, The Man said we weren't "supposed" to like sex, but now The Man says we can... We can even  SEEK it before marriage-- as long as we lady-brains are willing to accept that now Man expects it from us as a caveat to his permission. That sounds MEGA man-hater, but I swear I'm not a man-hater, I just hate The Man!

So, hopefully I've adequately expressed my disappointment in the presence of an entire chapter on Sex, but a near-tangible absence of a single paragraph on how to say "no, thank you." OR when the right time to have the "i like you a lot, but i see something wrong... with a little bump 'n grind, baby." The end. 

C. If you made it this far, here's an extra thank you, and a bonus apology for writing my own short novel here! Oh, and a congratulations on a published book with YOUR name listed as the author! That's gotta be a big deal!

Sincerely,
Stef Ha

*I think it's important to emphasize that the "gap" I'm trying to illustrate isn't an image of high & mighty Christians with all these fancy-pants values on a snowcapped mountain on the left and the conscienceless savages of modern America across a chasm on a smoggy hilltop with a Hollywood sign on the right. To me it's about the gap between the values (and standards) outlined in the Word versus the values (and laws) that exist in a society which offers religious choice/freedom from religious persecution.
**Also known as Guantanamo Bay
***I may ask permission to post her quoted response and future advice, but at this time I'll opt to just nonchalantly refer to the fact that she did write back (in an effort to minimize my creeper-level and mask my excitement).

Consumer Retorts: Amazon.com

Not surprisingly, Amazon extinguished all the fury out of me. Then, when things didn't go as planned after the first customer service go-round (the conversation with Raja*, which is referenced), a supervisor SERIOUSLY took the wind out of my sails by offering to let me steal someone's going-away cake. I was very persnickety with poor Ernest, but in my defense, my instincts weren't altogether off--as soon as I was a stinker, he gave me the "How about yous guys" act.

Here are the items in question (even Alanis Morissette would find this ironic):

Initial Question: Cancelled order was charged and shipped

01:39 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): Hello, my name is Ernest and I would be happy to assist you. I'm sorry that you had to contact us today about an order status.

May I have the order number please?

01:39 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Hi Ernest-- Can you see my previous chat? I'm sorry, I don't have the order number

Do I need to go find it?

01:40 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): What does the order contain?

01:41 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Two Knock-Knock notepads.

01:42 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): I'm showing a request was entered for this to be canceled, however it was unable to be successfully canceled Stef.

01:45 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I actually know that already.

01:46 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Can you see my previous chat? or the the email correspondence that was sent to me regarding this order?

01:46 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): Yes I can.

What am I looking for?

01:47 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Could I trouble you to read it, instead of me retyping everything?

01:48 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): Can you give me an idea of what I'm looking for though?

01:48 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Ernest, can I speak to someone else, please?

01:49 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): Stef, I'm reading your contact with Raja, but I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to be looking for.

01:50 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): He states he successfully canceled your order for Levenger Lamy Safari Rollerball White and GoFit Women'S Cross Training Glove With Etched Synthetic Leather Palm (Black/Pink, Small)

01:50 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I don't mean to be difficult, but I am incredibly irritated--

01:50 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): I'm not seeing anything within this chat conversation regarding the notepad order you stated you are contacting us about.

I see he has set a follow up?

01:51 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): Due on Jul 2, 2013 6:00 PM

He also stated that once he successfully redirects the order, he will refund you in full for the items.

01:52 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Okay, timeout. Here is a quick recap of what has happened so far:

“Me: Cancelled order was shipped

01:53 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Ernest: I see that order didn't get cancelled

01:54 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Me: Can you see my previous chat? (second time asking)

I know it wasn’t cancelled,

Ernest: yes, can you tell me about it anyway?

01:55 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Me: Can I talk to someone else?”

01:55 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): Stef, I'm sorry that you are frustrated, and I want to help you resolve the issue. So how about you tell me what it is specifically you are wanting in this situation. You wanted the notepads, cancelled, I understand that and they were shipped because they couldn't be cancelled. Are you wanting refunded for the items?

01:56 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): I just need to know what you are wanting in this

situation. I can't help you unless I know what it is specifically you are wanting us to do.

01:59 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): I don't mean to rush you, however the chat has been idle for a few minutes, and I'm wondering if we're still connected.

01:59 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I specifically would like to speak to a supervisor. When I spoke to Raja, I was assured that the situation would be resolved, I can see that you are attempting to mitigate

02:00 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): I'll be happy to get you a supervisor.

One minute.

02:00 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Thank you.

02:02 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): It looks like there is currently a wait for a supervisor of 5-10 minutes. I can wait with you while until a supervisor is available. Or I can offer to refund this order in full and send you an email confirmation of the refund since the order was not redirected by Raja as promised.

02:04 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): I understand it's frustrating and I hope you understand that I'm not trying to make this difficult for you, I simply want to get this resolved for you but with limited information it's hard to figure out exactly what issue we are trying to solve without reviewing every account detail and annotation.

I also understand it's frustrating when someone ensures you they are going to take an action and it's not completed successfully and although I'm not sure why the package was not redirected and refunded, I do understand this is not a fault of yours.

02:06 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I appreciate that sincerely, Ernest. I would still like to speak to a supervisor.

It isn't in reference specifically to this transaction, it's the entire experience

02:07 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): Completely understandable.

02:10 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I will ask for a refund and can label the package with "Return to sender" or whatever the recommended action is, but I have used Amazon for a very long time, and I would rather notify someone of my poor experience than curtail use.

02:12 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: And at this point, I've invested too much time that I would have preferred doing things I want to do

02:12 AM(GMT) Ernest(CSA): We definitely don't want you to feel that you shouldn't shop with Amazon anymore, and the refund offering doesn't even require a return. You are more than welcome to keep the items as a goodwill gesture from Amazon for the experience or return them if you wish. But I'll definitely be glad to get you over to that supervisor.

So they can take the feedback about your experience, and offer resolution to this situation.

02:12 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Thank you.

02:16 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Mr. Jay, I would like to resolve this issue, but also make Amazon aware of the frustration I've felt during this process

02:16 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): I will definitely do my best to try and help you here. Would you mind if I reviewed your previous chat?

02:17 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I know that Amazon is a company that seriously values customer service, and I seriously value Amazon and do not want to be soured.

And absolutely not. I would appreciate that very much.

02:18 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: You might start with the chat I had with Raja first.

02:18 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Ok, I will take a look at the contact prior to this as well. Thank you very much for your patience with me.

02:22 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Ok sorry about that long wait there

02:23 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): I see you were speaking to Raja and he let you know that the sellers were contacted to cancel the orders from them and that he stated he cancelled the order with the items coming from Amazon.

02:24 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Prior to the chat I’d had with Raja, I’d spent probably 10 minutes in horror that I’d managed to order everything in my cart because A. I avoid paying shipping and use Super-saver at every opportunity—I’m the customer that feature was made for because I WILL spend $24 more than I’d planned to avoid $10 shipping; and B. I am tech savvy enough to normally know when I’m ordering and when I’m sticking stuff in the cart to ruminate over.

So then, I spent another 10 minutes figuring out how to call Amazon, only to fill out the form and find out that I CAN’T call Amazon (I use the Google phone feature in Gmail).

02:25 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): aww.. I know where you're coming from on that one. My wife keeps our cart so full all the time, if I did that, I wouldnt HAVE a bank account!

02:26 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Yes and no? He was going to attempt to cancel it-- but assured me that it would be taken care of.

02:27 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I did receive the email where he said that he couldn't... but during the chat I specifically asked, "what action do I need to take to make this happen?"

And again, in the follow up email, he said that it would be taken care of.

02:28 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Yes, I see that as well.

02:29 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I appreciate your humor. I promise, I'm not actually a nightmare. The irony of being the customer who loses it over the cancellation of "douchebag citation"s and "WTF" tickets is not lost on me.

02:29 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): haha

I think I see where the issue came from in the first place, by looking at the orders.

02:30 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I forgot about the 25 minutes I spent trying to cancel the orders before even attempting to contact Amazon. The thing is, bottom line, the order was placed Saturday night. In error.

02:31 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Rest assured, mistakes happen, often the mistake is on the other side of the screen (or in the computer or tablet) rather the actual human involved. I understand that.

02:32 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: When I saw the slew of order confirmations in my email the next morning-- Sunday-- I couldn't cancel several of the orders with immediate confirmation which was frustrating.

02:34 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I definitely won't just pass the responsibility, though I really appreciate that you'd say that, but the cancellation thing was my first irritation.

Then the fact that I couldn't call.

02:35 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): I am sorry for the cancellation not working for you. Often times, our shipments are prepared so quickly and go into the shipping process so fast - it can sometimes cause problems when trying to cancel the orders.

The note about calling, I am not sure why it would not allow you to call. Was it that the number was not available? Or that the Google Phone system just wouldnt allow the number to be dialed?

02:36 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I can appreciate that as much as I do the fast shipping I frequently enjoy! But unfortunately, Raja overpromised and underdelivered-- which is like, the customer service kiss of death. I know--I've worked in sales and at a call center. I also know it's super easy to do to placate an agitated customer

02:39 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: No, do check it out when you get a chance-- I was pretty surprised, myself. There's a little form you fill out, and AFTER it's complete a little note pops up that says, "hey, you can call our automated line (which I figured would give me the same answer as the automated email), or, our service rep can call you (but you have to have an open phone line).

02:39 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): ahh ok

I know the screen you're talking about

02:40 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I recently switched to prepaid (saves me $100 bucks a month, and I get to buy other stuff I don't need)

02:40 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Right beneath the form, there is actually a number there. It's light gray so can be difficult to see. I guess it's "Fine Print" if you want to call it that. That is our direct line customer service number.

Haha, I switched to prepaid as well

866-216-1072

^ that is our customer service number for future reference

02:40 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Oh my. I will check that out. I may have been blinded by rage and stopped short of it.

02:41 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Thank you.

02:41 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): It's easy to miss with the big bright yellow buttons on the form

especially on a tablet

You're welcome!

02:42 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: So I received the package today, and was SUPER irritated. As I stated to Raja, I did not want to pay shipping twice.

02:43 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): and rightfully so

02:43 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: AND I was home today, and probably could have intercepted it.

So I immediately came in and started a chat and landed Ernest.

02:44 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I was short with him because he really seemed to be at least one question behind me.

02:46 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I know customer service is tricky-- I REALLY try not to be a db customer, but this was my second time on this same thing, and he was not smelling what I was stepping in from the start.

02:47 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): I understand where you're coming from with that. Not to throw anyone under the bus, but I believe he did not see where you were coming from in the chat.

Because the previous agent DID say he successfully cancelled the order.

02:48 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): So Stef, since you have been in customer service, I'll let you drive around this next curve. What do you feel we can do for you to satisfy you.

02:48 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: He said, "So how about you tell me what it is specifically you are wanting in this situation. You wanted the notepads, cancelled, I understand that and they were shipped because they couldn't be cancelled. Are you wanting refunded for the items?

I just need to know what you are wanting in this situation. I can't help you unless I know what it is specifically you are wanting us to do."

02:49 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Well, we essentially typed the same thing and now I'm at a loss.

02:49 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Like most customers, I really just wanted to complain!

02:49 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): lol!

02:49 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I feel like you've let me do that, and I appreciate it.

02:49 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Well, I dont just want to "fix" the issue and send you on you're way

02:50 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): I want you to feel all warm and fuzzy after this contact in feeling that you are taken care of without me pulling out the charm potion

And depending on your location that could involve a lot of driving, and it just gets messy.

02:51 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I felt very inconvenienced by being assured it would be taken care of, and then in the very next transaction not listened to.

02:52 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: I would like a refund-- I am happy to send these things back, but I do not want to pay shipping.

02:52 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Ok, how about this.

02:53 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): How about, I give you the refund, and b/c of all the trouble you've had (including putting up with my horrible attempts at being humor that doesn't come across well in a chat window). And you can keep the items.

So you dont have to go through the whole return process as well

02:53 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Also, it's not your fault that I tell a story in real-time and can type really fast.

02:53 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): being humor... see what i mean? geesh

02:54 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: And I DO appreciate you not smoke and mirrors-ing me into a complete fit.

02:55 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): That's definitely something we don't want to do here. I believe the previous chat representative attempted to get these orders cancelled and was unable to after the call. He should have sent an email stating he was unable to do so. I will look into that personally.

02:56 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: And I DO appreciate your humor-- I just probably would not laugh at anything other than stealing some poor child's birthday cake.

02:56 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): oh my

We have what's left of someone's going away cake... will that do?

02:56 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Right now, I mean.... And I've de-escalated--I promise!

02:57 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: YOU WIN!

That got a laugh.

02:57 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): haha

If you give me just a moment, I'll get this refunded for you. No return required.

02:58 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: He did email, and that's in there, it just implied that it was being rerouted.

02:58 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Right, but it gave you the impression that something WOULD be done, not MIGHT be.

That's not a good experience.

02:59 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Exactly. Thank you VERY much.

02:59 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): $21.03 will be going back to your card. Most likely Monday due to banking hours.

03:00 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Okey-dokey. when you check back on Ernest-- I think he did say the right thing... it was just a little too late.

Again, thanks. Those bankers have it made.

03:01 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Yeah they do!

03:01 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Is there anything further that I need to do?

03:01 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Alright Stef, I am glad that I was able to help you out here and that you feel good about what was done.

Not on your end

03:01 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Warm-fuzzy achieved.

03:02 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): There's no return required so you are not responsible for anything other than making sure you are $21.03 richer by tuesday at the latest

Woo hoo!

03:03 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Can you please send forward my appreciation for your tailored service to the next level of leadership (or Mr. Amazon, if you have his email)??

03:03 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): I will be sending you a survey through email. You can add your custom comments at the back of that and the entire Leadership chain sees it.

03:04 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Other than that, I'm set and you can move to the next customer-- who will hopefully be worse (that's pretty selfish of me, sorry)-- with my thanks!

okay, I'll do that

03:05 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): haha, will do. And thank you, it has been a pleasure chatting with you!

03:06 AM(GMT) Stef Ha: Likewise, adios!

03:06 AM(GMT) Jay C(CSA): Bye!

*All of the names have been changed; the only one of not is Raja, the real name of a guy I went on two dates with.... I was ultimately dissatisfied with him, as well. <-- that's not any kind of gross euphemism.

Introducing.... "Customer Retorts," a Rip-off that Seems Different Enough to Avoid Litigation

The Customer Service Mantra. “Under-promise & Over-deliver” (UPOD) is a super common and totally misleading axiom in retail.  Just in case you haven’t heard it before, it basically means that if a customer asks for something (of if there’s something extra you think you may be able to do for them), it’s better to temper their hope with either uncertainty or apathy, preferably both. That way, you can completely shock them with acceptable (or occasionally exceptional) service; basically creating a false sense of satisfaction by making the customer begin to question whether their reasonable request is actually reasonable.

Managing Expectations, a History. I was introduced to UPOD in my appliance sales days at a big box home improvement store by a Zone Manager who had worked his way up the store’s ladder since his late teens and who repeatedly cheated on his former-cashier girlfriend with other, newer cashiers (she had left the company a few months before my arrival after their poorly-kept secret was discovered by upper-middle management and one of them had to transfer or quit). During my employment, she was on maternity leave about to pop out his Royal Baby. Their relationship eventually ended—I think—with a cashier (I’m unsure of whether they really called it quits, not whether a cashier was involved). But in its prime, it was a tumultuous, confusing cycle that resulted in a high turnover rate at my store and frequent uncomfortably private [public] Facebook battles.  

The Hypothesis. Their relationshit[i] and his poorly-disguised, insatiable sexual appetite for cash handlers should have been a big red[ii] indicator that he should not be issuing any advice on building rapport. But his sales were really impressive! In fact, I would compete with him (without his knowledge, to better my chances of victory) monthly in sales, and I frequently lost. Even though he was at the store for more hours than me weekly, he managed to sell a lot while splitting his time four ways; managing two other departments and “supervising” the front end.[iii] I haven’t read or performed any study to support the claim I’m about to make, but… Appliance purchases are [in my experience] typically “approved” by the lady, but are purchased as a couple—which means that Zone almost always immediately lost his home field advantage of flirtation and general cockiness that helped him balance so many tills up front. When I combine that with the fact that he consistently stressed UPOD as his top sales tip and leadership advice, I can conclude with little basis and lots of conviction that UPOD and customer satisfaction (as illustrated by sales) are correlated.

I actually think that the psychology of UPOD is intuitive, if not sound. Everyone likes to feel like they’re getting a deal or special treatment. Under-promising makes that objective much more attainable. The reason I have such disdain for “under-promise & over-deliver,” is that it requires the promissor to intentionally (and consistently) understate his or her ability to provide good service or a good product. It also relies on the shaky premise that the customer is already sold on whatever you’re selling. For instance, a toilet bowl cleaner whose label reads “Better than not cleaning your toilet at all…probably,” may not be in the company’s best interest if it sits next to a similarly priced product that it’s “Guaranteed to be better than not cleaning your toilet at all. Bran A hopes that customers will choose it from among it’s competition and be utterly shocked every time they use it, calling their friends in earnest amazement, “Cindy, you are not going to believe this… It did it again!!”[iv],[v] building brand loyalty by always blowing away[vi] their customers’ low expectations.

I Just Want to Improve Sales for Firms by Providing Unsolicited Feedback & Product/Service Improvement Ideas that I Have a Personal Stake In. I think about the quality of products and service delivery All. The. Time. I can’t explain it, really, and I've never cared to control it. I think about it when I watch commercials. When I see Wal*Mart employees interacting with one another. Here’s the part where it gets Freaky Friday…. Maybe it’s because I’m so affected by it, or Big G is surely trying to teach me self-control (the latter seems pretty evident—He’s also being very patient, I should add!), but it seems like I attract questionable service everywhere I go and I can never keep my mouth shut about it.[vii]

In an effort to pretend that I’m not only[viii] difficult, immature, and complain-y, I'll be contributing to the free market via a recurring feature of my freshly coiffed blog tentatively called “Consumer Retorts.” The faux-jective is to showcase real companies’ Promise-to-Delivery ratios—what happens when a purchase you made goes awry? It’s about to get real up in here.

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[i] An unflattering, but often accurate term to describe star-crossed lovers

[ii] Think pirate, not chewing gum

[iii] Not intended to be a euphemism

[iv] The Works is a $1.98-ish [probably carcinogenic] toilet cleaner that I feel privileged to have been introduced to.

[v] I have no research that verifies or excludes The Works as carcinogenic or harmful. But it seems like common sense that any cleaner that is both effective and cheap is hazardous to your health. Plus, I saw the second half of Erin Brokovich on television a few years back.

[vi] This is such a sick reference when using toilets as an example, no?

[vii] Friends that have shared a meal at a restaurant or been shopping with me once will testify that both of these claims are factual.

[viii] I learned from my Zone Manager that if you state them outright with gusto, some folks will actually accept your douchebag tendencies as viable, even marketable skills.

Spurts and Stalls; Sparks and a Flame

What Not to Write. In every made-for-teen-girls cinematic adventure, there’s a makeover. New girl shows up, and popular ringleader-girl says, “Who IS that?!” The camera pans to a doe-eyed waif who looks lost. She’s got flattish hair, a bare face or too-heavy makeup, too-little definition of her waistline, and what could be a mustache. But as an experienced moviegoer with a sharp eye for detail, you can tell: “This girl has hotness potential.” After posting my first-ever blog entry, I learned that this same sequence of events can also happen when you see “yourself” in print, too. Hold on tight, it’s about to get kind of intellectual-y and really Jesus-y up in here confusing.* Spoiler Alert: It's only when I realize that a hot blog is more about being true to myself than appearance [....so that can I blossom into the girl that can get the attention of the cutest boy in school (who also looks much older and hotter than any normal high school boy)?-- Whoa! This is a head-scratcher that will need it's own entry].

Spurts and Stalls; Sparks and a Flame. Every time I’ve tried to compose a new entry, I’ve been the literary equivalent of a wet log.  At first glance, the promise of warmth seems guaranteed, and I’m overwhelmed with hope that I will become immortalized in some blogger-equivalent of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Yet, when I attempted to ignite my inspiration, I was unable to make anything but steam and a soggy smell. I couldn’t figure it out… I did everything I was supposed to! I portrayed myself as honestly as I could! I tried to paint a complete picture! I promised to be genuine!

In order to overcome the creative firewall (this metaphor is nothing but embers, but I’m on SUCH A ROLL! It’s so wrong, and I can’t stop), I immersed myself in research— it’s my go-to tool for excusable, highbrow procrastination. I read blogs. I read articles about bloggers. I read blogs about writing blogs.

A Complex Individual. I had (have?) a vision of writing humorous life lessons from a Christian perspective. I’ve often thought of Faith and humor as mutually exclusive and am incredibly annoyed by the notion. I feel now more than ever though, to my dismay and disappointment, that I might've been right. Writing labeled Christian doesn't seem to include the negative, nor the vulgar aspects of the Human Humor Condition (Hu-hu Con).** It’s like there are all of these half-people that don’t gossip, don’t cuss, don’t complain, and don’t fail. But it also makes sense, which sucks even more! is discouraging. Once you write something you know is “not a good Christian thing to say,” you feel compelled to delete it. It’s probably because “the power of Christ compels you!” See?! Even The Exorcist is trying prove my point. I’m incredibly ashamed that Linda Blair would even cross my mind at a time like this, when I want to be respectable and serious…. But I feel even douche-ier pretending like it didn’t just happen.

The Christian blogs and books I’ve read have funny elements here and there. BUT, they are all written by this character that is not only relatable, self-aware, and honest, but is also never inappropriate. We’re not talking LOLs, here. “Christian funny,” as I know it, is more like POL (“Puhh” Out Loud).  I do have the good sense to edit in such a way that I’m not a total blemish on my religion. But in doing that, I feel like a complete fraud. My stream of consciousness is an endless laugh-followed-by-guilt loop.***

I’m not asserting that that Christian writers are humorless, intentionally deceitful, or pious by editing out their BS more colorful commentary. But I am saying that it’s like there’s an unspoken rule that if you proclaim your Christianity, you kinda have to edit out your spiritual immaturity when you recognize it; OR just have a blog that’s secular and call it a day.  

The Narrow Road Ahead. That’s a bunch of words up there, but I think it’s an interesting paradox (“Admit felonious/fatal/unbecoming flaws…. but don’t put them on display for Pete’s Sake!”). Being saved is my all-time favorite thing and God’s grace is what I’m most thankful for. I’m too excited and grateful and overwhelmed by God’s work to ignore it in a public forum just because the rest of me is a hot mess not thoroughly refined. I got trapped somewhere between wanting to be an authentic writer with entertainment value and writing from the Christian perspective that I ‘d prefer to portray (dress for the job you want!). Henceforth and a fortnight, I’ll write as if to pretend they are the same person. Cue the Makeover Montage!

*Today’s strikethrough text is intentional…and is brought to you by the letter “R.”

**I made this up, but I'm pretty sure it's a real thing, and when shortened, it sounds scientific and threatening, like H1N1. 

***A side-effect of Hu-hu Con.